I came crawling home last night, like many nights before
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door.
And she said, "You're not gonna do this anymore."

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall

She said: "Just bring your Friday paycheck, and I'll cash them all right here.
And I'll keep on tap - for all your friends, their favorite kinds of beer.
And for you, I'll always keep in stock, those soft aluminum cans
And when you're feeling macho, you can crush them like a man

She said: "We'll rip out all the carpet, and put sawdust on the floor
Serve hard boiled eggs and pretzels, and I won't cook no more.
There'll be Monday night football on T.V. above the bar.
And a pay phone in the hallway, when your friends can't find their car

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall

She said: "You'll get friendly service, and Friday atmosphere.
I'll slip on something sexy, and I'll cut it clear to here
Then you can slap my bottom, every time you tell a joke
Just as long as you keep tipping, well, I'll laugh until you're broke

She said: "Instead of family quarrels, we'll have a bar-room brawl
When the Ham's bear say's its closing time, you won't have far to crawl
And when you run out of money, you'll have me to thank
You can sleep it off next morning, when I'm putting it in the bank

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino, to decorate our home,
So you can feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
When you and your friends get off from work, and have a powerful thirst
There won't be any reason, why you can't stop off here first

She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall