Ok, let me just say first of all, this isn't about what gives a bar it's soul or personality, booze does that and maybe a few people. These are just a few rules that will make physically being there a more enjoyable experience. When you find a good bar, you'll stay there all night and likely go back. For me, the decor of the place is never as important as the quality and comfort of the bar and the seats themselves really. Do you doubt me? Why does the shittiest hole in the wall joint have such a loyal following...coincidence? Those places that haven't redecorated since the sixties, where the old guys still shake salt into their draft and the ladies drink red eyes. I have frequented and worked in some places that spent a lot of money on things like water features, marble bar tops (which are too cold by the way. stop using them), expensive chefs, the trendiest glassware and dishes, and they are gorgeous, but then you sit down...why would they ignored that one simple thing? The first rule of hospitality is making people comfortable, and what makes everyone more comfortable? Where they park their asses!

The Bar: Let's start with the bar itself. The height and depth of it is essential and extremely important, I know this seems obvious, but you'd be surprised at the awful bars out there. Either the bartop is too high for the stool, or worse yet, its too low. Sometimes it's not deep enough and there's no room for your legs to fit underneath, so you have to side-saddle your bar stool. You should be able to sit at a bar and feel like you're sitting at a table (only higher, obviously), there should be a ledge to rest your elbows on without having to set them in puddles on the bar. I know someone near and dear to me, who would be upset if I didn't mention this one, but can't we have hooks under the bar for your coats and bags? And ALL bars MUST have the foot bar along the bottom, this one is non-negotiable, everything else can be forgiven...

Barstools: should always have backs, maybe arm rests too, but mostly backs and they should swivel. The comfort element aside, we need to abolish those stools that leave your back exposed. I've seen enough butt crack for a lifetime, imagine those poor people sitting at a table behind them, butt cleavage right at eye level.

Lighting: should be nice and dark, no one wants to hang out in ugly lights, so turn the lights down. Some places seem dark, until you sit down and something catches your eye coming from above. You look up and you're blinded! It's the tiniest little halogen bulb, which are the worse bulbs to look at, it might as well be a spotlight. As a bar owner, I demand you sit down and look up into one of these things, seriously! There it is, blinding you all night...and you just can't dim those things enough, stop using them...oh, I know they're cheap...

Music: Should be nice and loud, but not so much that you have to lip read, or where you can scream at the top of your lungs and no one flinches, but not so low that you can hear the cutlery in the room. Never play whole albums, cut songs in the middle, and haven't we all had enough trance or lounge music? I'm not saying to play Old Time Rock and Roll by Bob Seeger, but there has to be a middle ground.

TVs: these aren't that important really, any good bartender should be able to engage customers one way or the other. But if there are TVs, there are certain important things to remember. Sports are all well and good, but if you have more than one TV and you have the option of having them on different channels, throw something on that will be conversation starters, something that people can pop in and out of, and don't have to give their full attention to enjoy it. For example, I always put on lists, like those AFI top 100's best movies; lines...or whatever. People will stick around for the end...it gets everyone talking about it. Some places have taken to showing the News lately I've noticed. I'm still on the fence about this, I find this sometimes instigates political or religious conversations which is rarely good when you mix in alcohol. Some things that should NEVER be on (especially without the sound): soaps, gross autopsy or surgery shows, those sports shows that are actually just radio shows, two radio jockeys talking. What the hell is that all about? I mean, it's a couple of guys sitting in front of mikes...wearing headsets...in a radio studio...talking...they don't even show clips or highlights...boring! Even closed captioning doesn't help this crap.

Glasswasher: should never be running, especially when you don't need it. I know, I know, it seems obvious, but I've sat at too many bars where the glass washer just runs and runs and runs and the bartender is completely oblivious. For one, it wastes water! and another reason and just as important, the noise and the steam for someone sitting close to it is annoying. Have you ever turned it off and have everybody at the bar yell THANK YOU! It's the kind of thing that bothers people and they can't quite put their finger on what it is, all they know is that for some reason they're not having a good time...